My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
God I need to hump something, right now.
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