I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
