That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
