I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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