Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
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