i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
