Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
