census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
