I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
