im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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