Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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