You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
