I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
