when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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