If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Randomize
