I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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