he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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