I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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