So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
