woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
