Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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