How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize
