Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
