I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
