you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
