my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
time to smoke my breakfast
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
