my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
