I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Randomize
