My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize
