Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
