grandma shit on top of the toilet
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
