Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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