a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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