i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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