You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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