I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
