I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
