I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
