Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize