i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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