I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
