I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
