I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
