It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
