Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
