He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
