Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
