btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
