Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
