I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
