Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
