textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Randomize
