I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
