you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
