....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
