My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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